- All Quotes
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Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans.
Conan O'Brien -
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
Conan O'Brien
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Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.
Conan O'Brien -
It was reported that Anna Kournikova is coming out with her own brand of deodorant. Apparently, the ads show Kournikova holding up her deodorant and saying now only her tennis game stinks.
Conan O'Brien -
A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.
Conan O'Brien -
A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over $110,000. The strange thing is that it's the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.
Conan O'Brien -
Russia's Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of 'The Bachelor.'
Conan O'Brien -
Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.
Conan O'Brien
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Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.
Conan O'Brien -
Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.
Conan O'Brien -
In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'
Conan O'Brien -
Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr.
Conan O'Brien -
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.
Conan O'Brien -
I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.
Conan O'Brien
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Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama's speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face.
Conan O'Brien -
A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, 'Don't be ridiculous. My daughter isn't marrying a lawyer.'
Conan O'Brien -
Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the Internet. Just a word of advice: If you want people to stay at home and do nothing, you should turn the Internet back on.
Conan O'Brien -
People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They're saying he looked like a rapper. Then again, to be fair, in China I look like a rapper.
Conan O'Brien -
Tough times for Martha Stewart. Yesterday, Martha Stewart reported to her parole officer and had to take a mandatory urine test for cocaine and marijuana. Martha was found to be drug-free and her urine was found to be a lovely yellow saffron.
Conan O'Brien -
It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.
Conan O'Brien
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Fish recognize a bad leader.
Conan O'Brien -
Sales of George Orwell's 1984 have skyrocketed. It's true. So the fallout from the (NSA spying) scandal is worse than we thought. It's forcing Americans to read.
Conan O'Brien -
Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.
Conan O'Brien -
If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
Conan O'Brien