Tom Lehrer Quotes
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The reason most folksongs are so atrocious is that they were written by the people.
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If I see a movie star in the department store buying something, I'll kind of sidle up and see what they're saying, what they look like, how they sound. That's an invasion of privacy.
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On Christmas day you can't get sore, your fellow man you must adore. There's time to cheat him all the more the other three hundred and sixty-four
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I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
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On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
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The poor folks hate the rich folks, and the rich folks hate the poor folks. All of my folks hate all of your folks, it's American as apple pie.
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Be it ever so decadent, there's no place like home.
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Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, Is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love: husbands and wives who can't communicate, Children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on, And in real life, I might add, spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!
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The Lord's our shepherd, says the psalm. But just in case, we better get a bomb.
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You cant be satirical and not be offensive to somebody.
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I ache for the touch of your lips dear, but much more for the touch of your whips dear.
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Soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife. Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life. But as we go our sordid sep'rate ways, We shall ne'er forget thee, thou golden college days. Hearts full of youth, Hearts full of truth, Six parts gin to one part vermouth.
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There's ten stuffed heads in my trophy room right now, two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow.
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I recall this sergeant's informing me and my "room-mates" of this rather deplorable fact the army didn't have any official, excuse me, didn't have no official song and suggested that we work on this in our copious free time.
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Step up and shake the hand Of someone you can't stand, You can tolerate him if you try!
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You can raise welts like nobody else, as we dance to the Masochism Tango.
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Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.
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Irreverence is easy - whats hard is wit.
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One of the problems I see with these comics on television, particularly cable television, is, since you can say anything in terms of sex and scatological references and so on, therefore, you should do it. So they all limit themselves to these subjects and this vocabulary. My objection is that it is a lack of articulateness. Irreverence is easy, but what is hard is wit. Wit is what these comedians lack.
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And we will all go together when we go. What a comforting fact that is to know. Universal bereavement, An inspiring achievement, Yes, we will all go together when we go.
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Oh we will all fry together when we fry. We'll be french fried potatoes by and by. There will be no more misery When the world is our rotisserie, Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.
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Plagiarize! Plagiarize, Let no one else's work evade your eyes, Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, So don't shade your eyes, But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize... Only be sure always to call it please "research".
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Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down ? That's not my department.
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Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.