Red Buttons Quotes
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Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
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Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"
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Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!
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When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
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Aladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!
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Saint Christopher, who said, Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal? Never got a dinner!
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Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!
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Amelia Earhart, who said, Stop looking for me; see if you can find my luggage! Never got a dinner!
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Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!
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Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!
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George Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!
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King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!
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Adam, who said to Eve, What do you mean you have nothing to wear? Never got a dinner!
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Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!