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It is hard being a football loather, a football unfan. I sometimes feel as lonely as the sole survivor in the last reel of a Zombie film, as, one by one, old friends reveal themselves, with their glassy stares and outstretched arms, to have succumbed to the lure.
Craig Brown -
You might think that religion was the one area in which professional jealousy would take a back seat. But no: ecclesiastical memoirs are as viperish as any, though their envy tends to cloak itself in piety.
Craig Brown
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Cleanliness is the scourge of art.
Craig Brown -
A decent beard has long been the number one must-have fashion item for any fugitive from justice.
Craig Brown -
Women are more sensitive, more practical, more intelligent, more balanced, better able to deal with people, better cooks, better parents, better carers, better leaders, and so on and so forth.
Craig Brown -
When I tell people I don't own a mobile phone and wouldn't know how to text, they react as though I have just confessed that I can't read.
Craig Brown -
As life goes on, we accrue more and more loseable objects. Providence dictates that objects that are too large to lose, such as houses, always come with tiny little keys, specially designed to give you the slip.
Craig Brown -
When cars honk and hoot and drunks squeeze out of car windows and scream, you can be sure that football is in the air.
Craig Brown
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Poets, for example, are generally considered starry-eyed and sensitive, but only by those who have never encountered one.
Craig Brown -
Over the years, the idea seems to have grown up that brightly coloured flowers are vulgar, and that the only flowers to be admitted to the walled garden of good taste are discreet and pastel-hued.
Craig Brown -
For some reason, it is always thrilling to spot your home town in the news.
Craig Brown -
Like Christians, Soccerians argue that you should not judge the essence of their faith by the loopy activities of its followers. But the Beautiful Game is in fact quite the opposite. It is badly designed and riddled with flaws.
Craig Brown -
The first thing I hear when I wake up is the sea, which is so close to our house that its reflections from the sun dapple our bedroom ceiling.
Craig Brown -
When I was a boy, I used to stay with a school friend in Bexhill, in Sussex, which was then well-known for being the town with more oldies than any other. Aged ten, I felt slightly embarrassed by this, though I'm not sure why.
Craig Brown
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Like many men, I am highly skilled in the art of losing things but prefer to outsource the recovery process.
Craig Brown -
My life is a monument to procrastination, to the art of putting things off until later, or much later, or possibly never.
Craig Brown -
People think of waves as going in an orderly crash - whoosh - crash - whoosh, but in fact there are lots of different crashes and whooshes, all at different stages, and all going off at the same time.
Craig Brown -
All the wealthiest people in the U.S. seem compelled to brag about how humble they are.
Craig Brown -
Men know something that women don't know. Never ask directions of a stranger.
Craig Brown -
In real life, nothing would be more tedious than trailing around after two strangers as they went house-hunting in Hertfordshire. But for some reason, television is more compelling than real life.
Craig Brown
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Like the firm handshake and looking people straight in the eye, the blazer had originally been a symbol of trust. Because of this, it had been purloined by the less-than-trustworthy and became their preferred disguise.
Craig Brown -
Alan Whicker may be the last Briton to have worn a silver-buttoned blazer with complete confidence.
Craig Brown -
There are few things quite so effortlessly enjoyable as watching an eminent person getting in a huff and flouncing out of a television interview, often with microphone trailing.
Craig Brown -
Looking back, some of the happiest moments of my childhood were spent with my arm in packets of breakfast cereal, rootling around for a free gift.
Craig Brown