David Letterman Quotes
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If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
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President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
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No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
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Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
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There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
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The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
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Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
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Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
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Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
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Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
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President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
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Nice job…what the hell is U2 supposed to play?
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Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
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Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
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New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
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We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
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Nothing-believe me-nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
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I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.
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There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
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Hey, John, I got a question! You need a ride to the airport?
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President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
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Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
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As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
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What is this, Vassar?!