David Letterman Quotes
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We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
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We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
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It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
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People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
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The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
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It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
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I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
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Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
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w:Mia Hamm: So we walk in to the sorority house and they're (their families and friends) just ripped. I mean they're going nuts.
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USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
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A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
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I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
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New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
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There is no off position on the genius switch.
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I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.
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Now all of us can talk to the NSA-just by dialing any number.
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How long have you been a black man?
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Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
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President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
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There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
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No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
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I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
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If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.