Emo Philips Quotes
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
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My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
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Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, 'A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...'
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I'm a great lover, I'll bet.