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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips -
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips
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I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
Emo Philips -
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
Emo Philips -
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips -
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Emo Philips -
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips -
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips -
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips -
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips -
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
Emo Philips -
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips -
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips -
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips -
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips -
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
Emo Philips -
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
Emo Philips -
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
Emo Philips
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips -
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
Emo Philips -
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips -
I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.
Emo Philips