Emo Philips Quotes
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
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I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
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My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.