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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips -
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips -
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips -
When I was a kid my dad would say, 'Emo, do you believe in the Lord?' I'd say, 'Yes!' He'd say, 'Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!' So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips -
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, 'A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...'
Emo Philips -
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
Emo Philips -
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, 'If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.'
Emo Philips