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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, 'Emo, do you believe in the Lord?' I'd say, 'Yes!' He'd say, 'Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!' So I would … and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, 'A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...'
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, 'If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.'
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When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.