Paula Poundstone Quotes
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Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
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I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.
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I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.
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I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
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I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
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My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
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I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
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I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
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I was one of the first people to almost actually vomit over hearing the use of the phrase 'family values' and I pride myself on never having fallen for the idea that Barbara Bush was sweet and grandmotherly. I met Barbara Bush and, as I expected, she was a tank with eyes, not a nice person at all and why should that blow anybody away?
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The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
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I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were doing a night of all women comics, and they invited me to do that.
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I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.
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I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.
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I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.
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I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.
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They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.
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Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
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I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
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I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.
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I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
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I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
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How do you come back? It's one step at a time. I'm optimistic because I don't know what else to be.
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I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.
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There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.