Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
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If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
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My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
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You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
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I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.