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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller -
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
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Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller -
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller -
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller -
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller -
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Phyllis Diller -
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
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I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller -
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller -
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller -
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller -
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller -
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
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It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller -
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller -
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
Phyllis Diller -
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller -
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller