Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
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There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
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What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
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A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
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I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.