Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
-
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
-
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
-
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
-
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
-
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
-
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
-
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
-
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
-
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
-
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
-
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.