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The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
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The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.
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Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.
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People come up to me and they thank me: 'I thank you for the many, many hours of laughter.'
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A great NOW will be a great WAS! A bad NOW will always be a bad WAS, and all you can hope for is a Great GONNA BE!
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If I don't believe it, I don't care.
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When I did comedy I made fun of myself. If there was a buffoon, I played the buffoon. And people looked at me and said, "Gee, that's like Uncle David", or "That's like a friend of mine.". And they related through that. I didn't make fun of them. I made fun of me.
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If you have no tragedy, you have no comedy. Crying and laughing are the same emotion. If you laugh too hard, you cry. And vice versa.
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When I did comedy I made fun of myself. If there was a buffoon, I played the buffoon.
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Jazz is a beautiful woman whose older brother is a policeman.
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The things I see now on TV and in movies are so outlandish. Kids doing rude things with pies! And the language that they use! It's being outrageous for the sake of being outrageous. I can't watch it. It turns me off.
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If you listen to a language for 15 minutes, you know the rhythm and song.
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The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.
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Every language has its own music.
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After all those years of doing a live, hour-and-a-half show every week, I've got nothing more I need to prove.
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Everybody wants to have a goal - I gotta get to that goal, I gotta get to that goal, I gotta get to that goal. I can finally get to that goal. Then you get to that goal, and then you gotta get to another goal. But in between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed - and if you don't, you're a fool.
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In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.
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If you can't stand yourself, neither can anybody else!