Les Dawson Quotes
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I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
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I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.
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When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'
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Despite the fact that feminists say they're not getting a fair deal, women are still very powerful.
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The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
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My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.
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My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.
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I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.
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Slumps don't bother me.
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I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
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The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.
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Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
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I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'
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Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'