Les Dawson Quotes
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The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.
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I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.
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My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.
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I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
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You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.
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My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
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The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'
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My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'
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I know my name will always be linked with women.
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My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
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I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.
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I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.
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My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.
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I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
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I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.
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When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.
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I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.
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How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
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I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.
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In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.
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Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
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With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.
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The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.
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I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'