Funny Quotes
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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
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Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
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It was Toto that made Dorothy laugh, and saved her from growing as gray as her other surroundings. Toto was not gray; he was a little black dog, with long silky hair and small black eyes that twinkled merrily on either side of his funny, wee nose.
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Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument.
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Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
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No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
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If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.
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Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
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Who doesn't love a funny girl who can look sexy at the same time?
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Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.
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The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.
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Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
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My mom is super fabulous, and I remember her telling me at 13, 'You can start wearing makeup now.' And the funny thing is, I didn't take her up on it!
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I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it's absolutely true.
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I'm not on all the time. I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker.
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Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.
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People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home.
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If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
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It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
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My mother was a terrific force in my life. Wartime-generation woman, hadn't gone to university but should have done. Was very funny, very verbal, very clever, very witty.
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If I find something funny and make an older woman laugh, I love that for some reason.
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Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark.
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As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats.
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I don't think I would do a straight late-night talk show, like a 'Tonight Show' kind of thing. But I'm open to whatever is done well. I don't have any agenda. I'm not like Fugazi - I'm not trying to be just so punk rock until I die. Whatever is funny is good.
