Funny Quotes
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
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You didn't have to say it was gone. It was gone before it got outta here. It was going that fast.
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The history of those who shed those other tears, the history of those anonymous millions, is what Terkel wants readers and listeners to come away with. What's it like to be that goofy little soldier, scared stiff, with his bayonet aimed at Christ? What's it like to have been a woman in a defense-plant job during World War II? What's it like to be a kid at the front lines? It's all funny and tragic at the same time.
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At school I was very shy. I wasn't funny really.
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If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?
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The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!
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For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
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I was always funny, but I didn't know being funny was a gift.
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If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
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It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.
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I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself.
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I think the second you think that you're funny is when you stop being funny.
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As with anything that involves emotional pain, comedy isn't too far behind. There's that element of no matter how painful something is - as long as it is not you that is going through it - it can be funny.
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Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.
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I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
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I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.
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As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is fifth.
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It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
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A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
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My mom used to say it doesn't matter how many kids you have... because one kid'll take up 100% of your time so more kids can't possibly take up more than 100% of your time.
