Funny Quotes
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It's funny how the present can change the past.
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That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year.
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I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record.
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I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.
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The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
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No volleyball play can begin without a serve, and the serve is the only technique that is totally under your control. In other endeavors, you cannot succeed without believing in yourself, and that belief is completely under your control.
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What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
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It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.
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That big guy, Winfield, at 6'6", can do things only a small man can do.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
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When you start out, it sometimes feels like you're fighting audiences every night just to prove that you're funny.
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With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.
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If I'm in a serious play, I often think to myself, 'I could make that line funny.'
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And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself.
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I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny.
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You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.
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I can be educational, but if I'm not funny and entertaining, too, who's going to come and listen to me or watch me on TV.
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.
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I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
