Funny Quotes
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
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The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!
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I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself.
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As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.
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There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.
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You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
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All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air.
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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
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And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself.
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I think it's harder to go from comedy to drama than from drama to comedy. Seeing you dramatic all the time, they crave to see you being silly or funny. But, seeing you in comedy all the time, it's hard to see that person go be serious, for some reason.
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
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My parents always told me to be myself. I was always funny and silly as a kid. And I would always make them laugh. And they always told me to dream big and follow those dreams.
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I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.
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I'd basically have trouble with any job that doesn't require me to wear silly clothes and talk in funny voices.
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The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
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If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
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I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
