Funny Quotes
-
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
-
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
-
Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
-
This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
-
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
-
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
-
When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.
-
I was always funny, but I didn't know being funny was a gift.
-
She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
-
As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.
-
That big guy, Winfield, at 6'6", can do things only a small man can do.
-
It's a base hit on the error by Roberts.
-
I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
-
Since I became more confident, I've thought, 'Right, let me get myself on the market'. So I joined Tinder and Chappie, and it was funny because, at first, the sites thought I was an imposter.
-
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
-
Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
-
Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.
-
I'd basically have trouble with any job that doesn't require me to wear silly clothes and talk in funny voices.
-
It's funny how the present can change the past.
-
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
-
Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
-
As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.
-
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
-
You couldn't hope to make a drama and have people rewriting on the day and having the actors making suggestions, "Wouldn't it be funny if my character did this?" "No. You're the actor. I'll tell you what to do."
