Funny Quotes
-
I don’t really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I’m not operating on somebody’s brain, you know what I mean? So I just think it’s all funny.
Harry Connick, Jr. -
You didn't have to say it was gone. It was gone before it got outta here. It was going that fast.
Jerry Coleman
-
My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
Erma Bombeck -
I can go right, I can go left, I'm amphibious.
Charles Shackleford -
Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.
Marshall Bruce Mathers III Bad Meets Evil' -
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
Erma Bombeck -
The token gay character is always so funny and so fantastic. That's happened a lot. Or they're often purely victims.
Ezra Miller -
I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.
Adrian Anthony Gill
-
As with anything that involves emotional pain, comedy isn't too far behind. There's that element of no matter how painful something is - as long as it is not you that is going through it - it can be funny.
Ben Miller -
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
Erma Bombeck -
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Steve Martin -
The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
Paul Newman -
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Erma Bombeck -
So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."
Chic Murray
-
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
Chic Murray -
Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.
Erma Bombeck -
During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
Richard Lewis -
The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.
Steve Martin -
Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
Chic Murray -
I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself.
Mila Kunis
-
Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
Erma Bombeck -
When we shot that Westworld, it was so funny. Not funny - I mean, like, funny-strange because I, personally as an actress and as a person, am so used to having to play the damsel, that when we were shooting that scene, and Jimmi looked at me and said, "Dolores, run," I ran. Then I stopped myself, and I turned around and I went, "Oh my God. I'm so used to running."
Evan Rachel Wood -
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck -
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
Minnie Pearl