Funny Quotes
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Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
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When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
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I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny.
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That's the fourth extra base hit for the Padres - two doubles and a triple.
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You couldn't hope to make a drama and have people rewriting on the day and having the actors making suggestions, "Wouldn't it be funny if my character did this?" "No. You're the actor. I'll tell you what to do."
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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
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Private Perkins is a funny little codger.
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She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.
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That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year.
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Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
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That big guy, Winfield, at 6'6", can do things only a small man can do.
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The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.
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When you start out, it sometimes feels like you're fighting audiences every night just to prove that you're funny.
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As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.
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I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
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Life is always walking up to us and saying, "Come on in, the living's fine," and what do we do? Back off and take its picture.
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If I'm in a serious play, I often think to myself, 'I could make that line funny.'
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That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures.
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One of life's most painful moments comes when we must admit that we didn't do our homework, that we are not prepared.
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It's pretty funny when we go out to countries where the drinking age is 13 or 14, and we all go to bars and order and drink some stuff. Our parents will go, 'Hey!' And we go, 'We are legal to drink here!'
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Since I became more confident, I've thought, 'Right, let me get myself on the market'. So I joined Tinder and Chappie, and it was funny because, at first, the sites thought I was an imposter.
