Funny Quotes
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If I'm in a serious play, I often think to myself, 'I could make that line funny.'
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Everything is so weird in politics that it's very hard to be funny about it, I think.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
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You think you're funny? I think I'm adorable.
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And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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Don't repeat the lies of the liars.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
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My parents always told me to be myself. I was always funny and silly as a kid. And I would always make them laugh. And they always told me to dream big and follow those dreams.
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When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
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I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
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I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record.
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The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!
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I'm funny because I'm funny. And there's more to offer.
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Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
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It's a base hit on the error by Roberts.
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What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'
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When you start out, it sometimes feels like you're fighting audiences every night just to prove that you're funny.
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The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.
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Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.
