Funny Quotes
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The idea that you can't be attractive and funny at the same time is something that I hate.
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I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
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But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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I think sex is overrated. I don't have sex appeal and I know it. As a matter of fact, I think I'm rather funny looking. My teeth are funny, for one thing, and I have none of the attributes usually required for a movie queen, including the shapeliness.
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As with anything that involves emotional pain, comedy isn't too far behind. There's that element of no matter how painful something is - as long as it is not you that is going through it - it can be funny.
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
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Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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I was always funny, but I didn't know being funny was a gift.
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The funny thing is that the fashions from the '90s seem to sit so well with the fashions of 2016. Everything from then somehow skipped and came back.
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I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
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There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
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I'd basically have trouble with any job that doesn't require me to wear silly clothes and talk in funny voices.
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Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.
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Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
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Those numbers with Tony are so often and so interesting.
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When you start out, it sometimes feels like you're fighting audiences every night just to prove that you're funny.
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Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
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It's funny: most people who recognize me on the subway and stuff - it's much more they think of me as a funny guy. I get much more of people telling me how much I make them laugh, actually. Which is nice.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin.
