Funny Quotes
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We told each other every funny story we could think of. One of them stays in my mind. A German citizen wants to commit suicide. He tries to hang himself, but the rope is of such a poor quality that it breaks. He tries to drown himself, but the percentage of wood in the fabric of his pants is so high that he floats on the surface like a raft. Finally he starves to death from eating official government rations.
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When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
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It's a base hit on the error by Roberts.
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
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She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
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The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to win 4-0.
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There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
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Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.
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Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
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When you start out, it sometimes feels like you're fighting audiences every night just to prove that you're funny.
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My parents always told me to be myself. I was always funny and silly as a kid. And I would always make them laugh. And they always told me to dream big and follow those dreams.
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I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
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No volleyball play can begin without a serve, and the serve is the only technique that is totally under your control. In other endeavors, you cannot succeed without believing in yourself, and that belief is completely under your control.
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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
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I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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I'm funny because I'm funny. And there's more to offer.
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You couldn't hope to make a drama and have people rewriting on the day and having the actors making suggestions, "Wouldn't it be funny if my character did this?" "No. You're the actor. I'll tell you what to do."
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Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
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George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
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Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
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It's funny how the present can change the past.
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Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.
