Funny Quotes
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
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When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
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As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.
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It's funny how the present can change the past.
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This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
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George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up.
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First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.
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My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
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It's a base hit on the error by Roberts.
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The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to win 4-0.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
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It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.
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We told each other every funny story we could think of. One of them stays in my mind. A German citizen wants to commit suicide. He tries to hang himself, but the rope is of such a poor quality that it breaks. He tries to drown himself, but the percentage of wood in the fabric of his pants is so high that he floats on the surface like a raft. Finally he starves to death from eating official government rations.
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Private Perkins is a funny little codger.
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Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.
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Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.
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Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
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Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
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With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.
