Funny Quotes
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny.
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Those numbers with Tony are so often and so interesting.
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So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
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Football's football, if that weren't the case it wouldn't be the game that it is
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Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.
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It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.
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I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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The idea that you can't be attractive and funny at the same time is something that I hate.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
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If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?
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I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?
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But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
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And there's no damage to the car. Except to the car itself.
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Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
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Don't repeat the lies of the liars.
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And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race.
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There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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And the first five places are filled by five different cars.
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When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.
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I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.
