Funny Quotes
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Everything is so weird in politics that it's very hard to be funny about it, I think.
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Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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Even though I didn't get a business degree, I enjoyed learning about economics.
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You can never not feel like that, as a working artist these days. It's funny - time off makes me nervous, but so does time on. At least the pressure wasn't coming from outside.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
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She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
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I do quite like sightseeing. I like churches, museums, galleries and all that stuff. I love the smell of a church in Italy or the smell of an old greasy spoon somewhere. I like markets and little funny shops in the backstreets of Florence.
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I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
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Don't repeat the lies of the liars.
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Private Perkins is a funny little codger.
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My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
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I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.
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I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.
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I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed, is you.
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Football's football, if that weren't the case it wouldn't be the game that it is
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I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.
