Funny Quotes
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.
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I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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That old question about whether, as a woman, you can be funny and attractive at the same time. Argh! I hate that question. Of course you can.
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I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.
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Ozzie Smith is out there roaming around like glass.
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Private Perkins is a funny little codger.
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You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in.
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Even though I didn't get a business degree, I enjoyed learning about economics.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
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I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.
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I think sex is overrated. I don't have sex appeal and I know it. As a matter of fact, I think I'm rather funny looking. My teeth are funny, for one thing, and I have none of the attributes usually required for a movie queen, including the shapeliness.
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Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin.
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If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify.
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Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons.
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I love Nicole Holofcener and Lynn Shelton, both for the same reasons: their films are funny without being forced, intimate and real while also being hugely entertaining.
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Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
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The token gay character is always so funny and so fantastic. That's happened a lot. Or they're often purely victims.
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It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed, is you.
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I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny.
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You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
