Funny Quotes
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As a model, we come in the room, and we are casted just on our looks. I think I'm funny; I think I'm clever. But in the end, they're picking me for my cheekbones or if I'm tall enough.
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During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
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Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.
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I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"
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It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
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For me, I've worked hard for people to think I'm funny.
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These walls are funny. First you hate them, then you get used to them. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.
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Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4.
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There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.
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I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
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I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record.
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Football's football, if that weren't the case it wouldn't be the game that it is
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You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
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Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
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Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.
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If you can be funny, it means you're intelligent. Your brain is working fast.
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Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
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It's easy to be negatively funny about personalities in the media. It's just kind of a cheap laugh.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.
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Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.
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She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.
