Funny Quotes
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Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.
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Nobody cared about swimming. You could draw a crowd for basketball.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
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During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
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As a model, we come in the room, and we are casted just on our looks. I think I'm funny; I think I'm clever. But in the end, they're picking me for my cheekbones or if I'm tall enough.
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Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4.
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These walls are funny. First you hate them, then you get used to them. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.
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It's funny because when I first met with Carmen, she said, "Have you ever thought about doing TV?" And I was like, "No, not really, but I'd audition for TV." And she said, "That's where the roles are for women now. That's where you can go and get a really great part."
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Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.
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My parents always told me to be myself. I was always funny and silly as a kid. And I would always make them laugh. And they always told me to dream big and follow those dreams.
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Those numbers with Tony are so often and so interesting.
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As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.
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This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
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I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider.
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I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
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I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
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Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
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A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.
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Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
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As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
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She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.
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Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
