Funny Quotes
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There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
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I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.
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Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
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Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.
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I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.
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I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.
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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
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My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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It’s funny how one summer can change everything.
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I think it's cool to do stuff in a different language. Basically, I learned English through listening to rap. A lot of people think it's funny. But it's true; I used to try to get the accents.
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She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.
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We told each other every funny story we could think of. One of them stays in my mind. A German citizen wants to commit suicide. He tries to hang himself, but the rope is of such a poor quality that it breaks. He tries to drown himself, but the percentage of wood in the fabric of his pants is so high that he floats on the surface like a raft. Finally he starves to death from eating official government rations.
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It will be funny in about 10 years.
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For me, I've worked hard for people to think I'm funny.
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Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
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Nobody cared about swimming. You could draw a crowd for basketball.
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I find it very difficult to be funny, it's much easier to do tragedy than it is to do comedy.
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I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
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Even though I didn't get a business degree, I enjoyed learning about economics.
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Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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These walls are funny. First you hate them, then you get used to them. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.
