Funny Quotes
-
There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.
-
As a model, we come in the room, and we are casted just on our looks. I think I'm funny; I think I'm clever. But in the end, they're picking me for my cheekbones or if I'm tall enough.
-
Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
-
Whenever you get an inflamed tendon, you've got a problem. OK, here's the next pitch to Gene Tendon.
-
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
-
People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-
All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
-
That's the fourth extra base hit for the Padres - two doubles and a triple.
-
I sure hope you're staying alive for the upcoming Dodgers series.
-
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
-
Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.
-
These walls are funny. First you hate them, then you get used to them. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.
-
And the first five places are filled by five different cars.
-
The idea that you can't be attractive and funny at the same time is something that I hate.
-
An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
-
Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.
-
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
-
When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
-
Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
-
George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up.
-
For me, I've worked hard for people to think I'm funny.
-
She appears to have a face that would stop a clock and raise hell with small watches, bless her heart.
-
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
-
A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I'm joking and when I'm serious.
