Funny Quotes
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I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.
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But you shall not escape my iambics.
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During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
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I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
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Don't repeat the lies of the liars.
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And the first five places are filled by five different cars.
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I write the songs first and in most cases teach myself the technique second.
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This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
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As a model, we come in the room, and we are casted just on our looks. I think I'm funny; I think I'm clever. But in the end, they're picking me for my cheekbones or if I'm tall enough.
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It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
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Chris Elliott could read the phonebook and he's funny.
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There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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I knew exactly what to do on Alien, it was funny.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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Everything is so weird in politics that it's very hard to be funny about it, I think.
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I think absurdist humor is funny...
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I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
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I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.
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I think that because I struggled and did get very bullied, that definitely made me learn how to be funny and let things roll off and be able to laugh, and I think that has definitely helped me when it comes to being in the public eye with 'Gay of Thrones' and 'Queer Eye.'
