Funny Quotes
-
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
-
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
-
Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
-
Even though I didn't get a business degree, I enjoyed learning about economics.
-
At the end, excitement maintained its hysteria.
-
But you shall not escape my iambics.
-
Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it's kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there's nothing funny or lighthearted.
-
You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
-
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
-
For me, I've worked hard for people to think I'm funny.
-
The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.
-
I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
-
The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
-
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
-
This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
-
It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.
-
I love to make things. If I have some free time and you have a dollar and a dream and you are making something funny and cool I'd love to be a part of it.
-
Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.
-
I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
-
What was the name of that dog on "Rin Tin Tin"?
-
I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?
-
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.
-
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.
-
Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons.
