Funny Quotes
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People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!
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Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it's kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there's nothing funny or lighthearted.
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Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.
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I think absurdist humor is funny...
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record.
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Physically I'm not as strong as I was, but I try to make up for it mentally. It's a big challenge, and I relish it, competing with guys half my age.
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The funny thing about the boy who gave away his loaves and fish is that he, too, ended the day with a full stomach.
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The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.
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There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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I think that because I struggled and did get very bullied, that definitely made me learn how to be funny and let things roll off and be able to laugh, and I think that has definitely helped me when it comes to being in the public eye with 'Gay of Thrones' and 'Queer Eye.'
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When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
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Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.
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You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
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Chris Elliott could read the phonebook and he's funny.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
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I love Nicole Holofcener and Lynn Shelton, both for the same reasons: their films are funny without being forced, intimate and real while also being hugely entertaining.
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It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.
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You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
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I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.
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Ozzie Smith is out there roaming around like glass.
