Funny Quotes
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I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?
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Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
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I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
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So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
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Everything is so weird in politics that it's very hard to be funny about it, I think.
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I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"
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He many not be hurt as much as he really is.
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The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
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My job is to bring the tickle. I know what's funny.
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Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.
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Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.
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It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
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Nobody cared about swimming. You could draw a crowd for basketball.
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A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.
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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
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My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
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My parents always told me to be myself. I was always funny and silly as a kid. And I would always make them laugh. And they always told me to dream big and follow those dreams.
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You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
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I don’t really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I’m not operating on somebody’s brain, you know what I mean? So I just think it’s all funny.
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But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
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As a model, we come in the room, and we are casted just on our looks. I think I'm funny; I think I'm clever. But in the end, they're picking me for my cheekbones or if I'm tall enough.
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It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.
