Funny Quotes
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I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.
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Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
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I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
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I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?
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He many not be hurt as much as he really is.
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Everything is so weird in politics that it's very hard to be funny about it, I think.
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People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
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That old question about whether, as a woman, you can be funny and attractive at the same time. Argh! I hate that question. Of course you can.
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It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.
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Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
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Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.
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I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"
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Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.
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It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
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I don’t really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I’m not operating on somebody’s brain, you know what I mean? So I just think it’s all funny.
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A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.
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My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
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But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
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The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
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Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.
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George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up.
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You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
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For me, I've worked hard for people to think I'm funny.
