Funny Quotes
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck -
It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way.
Murray Walker
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Viral videos aren't just about being funny. They're about identity creation.
Ricky Van Veen -
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis -
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck -
Customers long to interact with - even relate to - employees who act like there is still a light on inside.
Chip R. Bell -
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Paul R. Ehrlich -
I don't know if people really care about my opinion on things or how I come up with things, and maybe that's an insecurity and why we're comedians in the first place, so I think with that you keep doing the material, you keep trying to be funny cause you think that's all you're wanted for.
Nick Thune
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I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record.
Marshall Bruce Mathers III Bad Meets Evil' -
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
Carrie Fisher -
I loved being in the room with Mamet as a director - he is the most generous, funny, delightful person to work for every day.
Richard Thomas -
Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting.
Jerry Coleman -
They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb.
Jerry Coleman -
I'd basically have trouble with any job that doesn't require me to wear silly clothes and talk in funny voices.
Natalie Portman
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My mom's passionate and energetic and very funny and enthusiastic.
Eric Stonestreet -
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Tommy Cooper -
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
Mike Birbiglia -
You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.
Jerry Coleman -
Cause see they call me a menace; and if the shoe fits I'll wear it.
Marshall Bruce Mathers III Bad Meets Evil' -
She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.
Sarah Silverman
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People are just funny sometimes if you find the right character.
Natalie Portman -
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
Tommy Cooper -
I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
Steve Martin -
Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
Jerry Coleman