Funny Quotes
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So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
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Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.
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The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick.
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People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!
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We will welcome them with bullets and shoes.
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Chris Elliott could read the phonebook and he's funny.
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You think you're funny? I think I'm adorable.
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Whenever you get an inflamed tendon, you've got a problem. OK, here's the next pitch to Gene Tendon.
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In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
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Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
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It's so funny whenever things come full circle.
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Nobody cared about swimming. You could draw a crowd for basketball.
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That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures.
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I sure hope you're staying alive for the upcoming Dodgers series.
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As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.
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Football's football, if that weren't the case it wouldn't be the game that it is
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?
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I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
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Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.
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The idea that you can't be attractive and funny at the same time is something that I hate.
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People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
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As a model, we come in the room, and we are casted just on our looks. I think I'm funny; I think I'm clever. But in the end, they're picking me for my cheekbones or if I'm tall enough.
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She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.
