Funny Quotes
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I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.
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The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.
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Even though I didn't get a business degree, I enjoyed learning about economics.
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Truth gets well if she is run over by a locomotive, while error dies of lockjaw if she scratches her finger.
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It’s a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what’s changed, is you.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air.
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And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race.
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I love to make things. If I have some free time and you have a dollar and a dream and you are making something funny and cool I'd love to be a part of it.
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I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.
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You couldn't hope to make a drama and have people rewriting on the day and having the actors making suggestions, "Wouldn't it be funny if my character did this?" "No. You're the actor. I'll tell you what to do."
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Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons.
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Often, joking for me is a way of diffusing the awkwardness of a situation, so it's kind of exhilarating to be a part of projects where there's nothing funny or lighthearted.
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If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.
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At the end, excitement maintained its hysteria.
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My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
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You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
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You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.
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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
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To the people I forgot, you weren't on my mind for some reason and you probably don't deserve any thanks anyway.
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Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.
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I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?
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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
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I am who I am and I say what I think. I'm not putting a face on for the record.
