Funny Quotes
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The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
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He many not be hurt as much as he really is.
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The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick.
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Our job is like a baker's work - his rolls are tasty as long as they're fresh; after two days they're stale; after a week, they're covered with mould and fit only to be thrown out.
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Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4.
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It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.
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There are many different ways of being funny. I'm not sure that there's so many different ways of being dramatic.
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Truth gets well if she is run over by a locomotive, while error dies of lockjaw if she scratches her finger.
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Being funny, it turns out, is like being a bank. It's a confidence trick. As long as everyone believes in you, you are fine.
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My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
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Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
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All imperfection is easier to tolerate if served up in small doses.
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The Army has carried the American... ideal to its logical conclusion... Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability.
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I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
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Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
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I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.
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All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
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Always enter like a kitten and leave like a lion. But NEVER enter like a lion and leave like a kitten. Always be humble.
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It's funny how the present can change the past.
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In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
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My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."
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Larry Lintz steals second standing up. He slid, but he didn't have to.
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I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
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Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.
