Funny Quotes
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Nobody cared about swimming. You could draw a crowd for basketball.
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It's a bit embarrassing watching myself, but I couldn't get someone else to play me, that would've been stupid.
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If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.
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If you can be funny, it means you're intelligent. Your brain is working fast.
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I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
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I think people are surprised to learn that I'm pretty goofy and pretty funny.
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Most people deal with grief in an awkward way, and that can be funny.
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I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
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See, I don't really go after girls. Most of the girlfriends I've had have come after me. So it's really funny when girls get offended because I don't hit on them.
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Of all the things that make up what was home It’s funny how they make me feel alone
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Truth gets well if she is run over by a locomotive, while error dies of lockjaw if she scratches her finger.
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I like idolator.com a lot. Every once in a while they shred me on there, but it's usually pretty funny.
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Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.
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To think of Tolstoy eating a sandwich is intrinsically kind of funny.
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For me, I've worked hard for people to think I'm funny.
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Sam writes in her funny, fascinating memoir, Not By Accident.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny
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I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
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The word 'Spanx' was funny. It made people laugh. No one ever forgot it.
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But you shall not escape my iambics.
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Learn from the masters, learn from your contemporaries. Always try to update yourself.
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Viral videos aren't just about being funny. They're about identity creation.
