Funny Quotes
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That old question about whether, as a woman, you can be funny and attractive at the same time. Argh! I hate that question. Of course you can.
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My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."
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I don’t really get shaken very much. People could heckle me, a spotlight could go out, I could forget a lyric... I’m not operating on somebody’s brain, you know what I mean? So I just think it’s all funny.
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He many not be hurt as much as he really is.
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You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
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The other day in the garage, I found a book report from the seventh grade that I did about silent movie stars. It's funny to look at now, because it really foretold what my future would be.
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And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield.
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It's a bit embarrassing watching myself, but I couldn't get someone else to play me, that would've been stupid.
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Being funny, it turns out, is like being a bank. It's a confidence trick. As long as everyone believes in you, you are fine.
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Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
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Since I became more confident, I've thought, 'Right, let me get myself on the market'. So I joined Tinder and Chappie, and it was funny because, at first, the sites thought I was an imposter.
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Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.
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I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
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The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick.
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Why would you clone people when you can go to bed with them and make a baby? C'mon, it's stupid.
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Of all the things that make up what was home It’s funny how they make me feel alone
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That's the fourth extra base hit for the Padres - two doubles and a triple.
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It's hard to take over the world when you sleep 20 hours a day.
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
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It's so funny whenever things come full circle.
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There are many different ways of being funny. I'm not sure that there's so many different ways of being dramatic.
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I think sex is overrated. I don't have sex appeal and I know it. As a matter of fact, I think I'm rather funny looking. My teeth are funny, for one thing, and I have none of the attributes usually required for a movie queen, including the shapeliness.
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Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.
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The Army has carried the American... ideal to its logical conclusion... Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability.
