Funny Quotes
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Tension is a habit. Relaxing is a habit. Bad habits can be broken, good habits formed.
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."
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My job is to bring the tickle. I know what's funny.
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That old question about whether, as a woman, you can be funny and attractive at the same time. Argh! I hate that question. Of course you can.
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Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
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It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
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You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
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I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.
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What is it like to be a bat? What is it like for a bat to be a bat?
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They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that.
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Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
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I love insults, devastating takedowns, things that could be described by Twitter hacks as 'shots fired,' and funny ad hominem attacks.
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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
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Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.
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After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
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It's funny because when I first met with Carmen, she said, "Have you ever thought about doing TV?" And I was like, "No, not really, but I'd audition for TV." And she said, "That's where the roles are for women now. That's where you can go and get a really great part."
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I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... an Arctic region covered with ice.
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I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider.
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I walk up a dune to a beach and look out to sea, but it's 100km away. The ships lie askew in their dry beds, at anchor for ever. Today is my son's birthday. Thousands of miles from here, his healthy lungs are blowing out candles. I should be there but I'm here with another boy, who puts his face close to mine and laughs. I smile back but realise he can't see it, because I'm wearing an antiseptic muzzles to protect me from his breath.
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During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.
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If you can be funny, it means you're intelligent. Your brain is working fast.
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Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
