Funny Quotes
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The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.
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I like idolator.com a lot. Every once in a while they shred me on there, but it's usually pretty funny.
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Most people deal with grief in an awkward way, and that can be funny.
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When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
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Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.
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Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
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To the people I forgot, you weren't on my mind for some reason and you probably don't deserve any thanks anyway.
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And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield.
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All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air.
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First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.
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My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
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It's a bit embarrassing watching myself, but I couldn't get someone else to play me, that would've been stupid.
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I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny
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But you shall not escape my iambics.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
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What was the name of that dog on "Rin Tin Tin"?
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I write the songs first and in most cases teach myself the technique second.
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Everything is funny, if you can laugh at it.
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As a model, we come in the room, and we are casted just on our looks. I think I'm funny; I think I'm clever. But in the end, they're picking me for my cheekbones or if I'm tall enough.
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It started out as kind of a joke, and then it wasn't funny anymore because money became involved. Deep down, nothing about money is funny.
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It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
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'Indiana Jones' wasn't physically tough, but they are the only two films I've ever been ill on. On 'The Last Crusade,' I got sciatica. That's when the sciatic nerve, which goes through the funny hole in your pelvis down your leg, swells and rubs against the nerves.
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I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?
