Funny Quotes
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I love insults, devastating takedowns, things that could be described by Twitter hacks as 'shots fired,' and funny ad hominem attacks.
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They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb.
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I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.
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Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.
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It's funny how the present can change the past.
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In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
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I'm funny because I'm funny. And there's more to offer.
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Our job is like a baker's work - his rolls are tasty as long as they're fresh; after two days they're stale; after a week, they're covered with mould and fit only to be thrown out.
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Truth gets well if she is run over by a locomotive, while error dies of lockjaw if she scratches her finger.
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The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
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Football's football, if that weren't the case it wouldn't be the game that it is
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Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
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My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
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Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.
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We will welcome them with bullets and shoes.
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I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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I'll teach you to laugh at something that's funny!
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I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?
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It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.
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Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play.
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That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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All imperfection is easier to tolerate if served up in small doses.
