Funny Quotes
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
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Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.
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I think people are surprised to learn that I'm pretty goofy and pretty funny.
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My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
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Mansell is slowing it down, taking it easy. Oh, no he isn't! It's a lap record.
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You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
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What was the name of that dog on "Rin Tin Tin"?
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You can never not feel like that, as a working artist these days. It's funny - time off makes me nervous, but so does time on. At least the pressure wasn't coming from outside.
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To the people I forgot, you weren't on my mind for some reason and you probably don't deserve any thanks anyway.
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I love Nicole Holofcener and Lynn Shelton, both for the same reasons: their films are funny without being forced, intimate and real while also being hugely entertaining.
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At the end, excitement maintained its hysteria.
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The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.
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My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."
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The 1930s was a funny time. People knew they might not live for another six months, so if they were attracted to one another, there was no time to dawdle.
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I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
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When I was a kid my father would read Neil Simon plays with me when I was going to bed, as bedtime stories. All of these old plays like The Odd Couple and Lost in Yonkers - funny but corny plays about Jewish New Yorkers in the mid-20th century.
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Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has.
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What is it like to be a bat? What is it like for a bat to be a bat?
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I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
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Always enter like a kitten and leave like a lion. But NEVER enter like a lion and leave like a kitten. Always be humble.
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I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.
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The funny thing is that the fashions from the '90s seem to sit so well with the fashions of 2016. Everything from then somehow skipped and came back.
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I think sex is overrated. I don't have sex appeal and I know it. As a matter of fact, I think I'm rather funny looking. My teeth are funny, for one thing, and I have none of the attributes usually required for a movie queen, including the shapeliness.
