Funny Quotes
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You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
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Our job is like a baker's work - his rolls are tasty as long as they're fresh; after two days they're stale; after a week, they're covered with mould and fit only to be thrown out.
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You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.
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And it's very, very funny When you've lots and lots of money To be horrible to those with none! Be horrible to those with none!
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I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
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It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
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I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
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I don't hate women - they just sometimes make me mad.
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It will be funny in about 10 years.
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Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
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I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
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I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal: high enough so you can look up her dress.
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The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
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Fast pitch softball is just as dangerous as baseball. The ball is bigger so you can see it better, but the size also makes for a bigger space to move out of its way.
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I love insults, devastating takedowns, things that could be described by Twitter hacks as 'shots fired,' and funny ad hominem attacks.
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My job is to bring the tickle. I know what's funny.
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I think our Batman had to be fun, light-hearted, funny, tongue-in-cheek... and I think that made kind of an homage to those earlier comic books, where Batman always had a quip or something.
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All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air.
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What was the name of that dog on "Rin Tin Tin"?
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It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
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To the people I forgot, you weren't on my mind for some reason and you probably don't deserve any thanks anyway.
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I love to make things. If I have some free time and you have a dollar and a dream and you are making something funny and cool I'd love to be a part of it.
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My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
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There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
