Funny Quotes
-
My mom's passionate and energetic and very funny and enthusiastic.
-
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
-
I'm always fascinated by the dedicated monitors in a hospital. Non-standard cables, funny button shapes, odd LED colors, and lots of extra controls.
-
I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
-
Maybe it has something to do with the pull of the moon because, despite the statistical improbability of any two people meeting up, it is inevitable that the tremulous are drawn to the languished, the sick to the broken, the forsaken to the sad, every pot has its cover, and the funny to the funny ones, too.
-
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
-
He is very dry but also very funny... I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.
-
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
-
We will welcome them with bullets and shoes.
-
The word 'Spanx' was funny. It made people laugh. No one ever forgot it.
-
I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"
-
I'm very, very amateur, which is funny because I'm not in the amateur leagues.
-
I like idolator.com a lot. Every once in a while they shred me on there, but it's usually pretty funny.
-
There is no insanity so devastating in man's life as utter sanity.
-
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
-
Fast pitch softball is just as dangerous as baseball. The ball is bigger so you can see it better, but the size also makes for a bigger space to move out of its way.
-
Funny, how once you touched off a memory, it was like pulling out a stitch—all the others kept unraveling.
-
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
-
My job is to bring the tickle. I know what's funny.
-
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.
-
Some people expect me to be funny all the time, and I'm not necessarily funny all the time.
-
It's a bit embarrassing watching myself, but I couldn't get someone else to play me, that would've been stupid.
-
When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
-
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
