Funny Quotes
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I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
Chic Murray -
I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.
Sarah Silverman
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A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.
Ernest Hemingway -
When something is too beautiful or too terrible or even too funny for words, then it is time for poetry.
Eve Merriam -
Zane Smith is a guy who can shut you out as well as look at you.
Jerry Coleman -
Lying to other people is fine and usually funny, but lying to yourself is tacky.
Paul Neilan -
You couldn't hope to make a drama and have people rewriting on the day and having the actors making suggestions, "Wouldn't it be funny if my character did this?" "No. You're the actor. I'll tell you what to do."
Declan Lowney -
I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We americans have made jazz funny.
Paul Provenza
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It's funny how the present can change the past.
Andrew Sean Greer -
The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.
Jerry Coleman -
I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
Bill Burr -
There's a difference between delivering real funny and just silly funny.
Lil Rel Howery -
That old question about whether, as a woman, you can be funny and attractive at the same time. Argh! I hate that question. Of course you can.
Emma Stone -
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.
Russell Baker
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Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.
Jerry Coleman -
Whenever you get an inflamed tendon, you've got a problem. OK, here's the next pitch to Gene Tendon.
Jerry Coleman -
There are practical things which contribute to a joke's funniness. People will find a joke funnier if they are sitting closer together, if it's cold, if they've paid and if they are told it's funny beforehand.
Ben Miller -
Why would you clone people when you can go to bed with them and make a baby? C'mon, it's stupid.
Ray Bradbury -
I'm not sure either of them had a great capacity for love, that was all. it's funny - mine feels bottomless.
Elizabeth Noble -
I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.
Chic Murray
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Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut.
Jerry Coleman -
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
Wernher von Braun -
That big guy, Winfield, at 6'6", can do things only a small man can do.
Jerry Coleman -
I don't so much mind that newspapers are dying - it's watching them commit suicide that pisses me off.
Molly Ivins