Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
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It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.
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I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.
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All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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I've been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love - loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater - nobody's that good.
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I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.
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Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.
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I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.
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Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.
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I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.
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Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?'
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Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable felicity; but he, who trusts entirely to the world for the disposition of his peace, must inevitably participate in many privations and disappointments.
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I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.
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They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
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Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.
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I'm no good at anything but comedy, which I think I'm good at. I'm absolutely no good at networking; I'm terrible at acting; I'm terrible at dealing with executives; I'm terrible at collaborating. And I say whatever I want to say. But I think I'm good enough at comedy that I can survive. And I don't really have an ambition for money.