Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
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I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.
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If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.
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I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.
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Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
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I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.
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All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.
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It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.
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I've been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love - loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater - nobody's that good.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable felicity; but he, who trusts entirely to the world for the disposition of his peace, must inevitably participate in many privations and disappointments.
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Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.
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I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.