Norm MacDonald Quotes
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You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.
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My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!
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The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.
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We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.
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Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.
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I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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When people told the audience that Sam Kinison was good, he was accepted after that.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.
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Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
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Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.
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If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
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I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.
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A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.
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I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
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Richard Pryor is my favorite stand-up ever.
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Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!
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RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.
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Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.
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Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.