Norm MacDonald Quotes
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There's that saying, "I don't know art, but I know what I like." The inverse is kind of true. I know art, but I don't know what I like. You get so immersed in it that nothing appeals to you.
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I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.
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Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.
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The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.
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Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.
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My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!
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Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.
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We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.
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When people told the audience that Sam Kinison was good, he was accepted after that.
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I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.
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When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
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I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.
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If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
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RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.
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Richard Pryor is my favorite stand-up ever.
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I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.
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A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.
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After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.