Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!
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RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.
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We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.
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Louis C.K. is great. But I don't know how many you could do.
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Televised stand-up never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was shot on film.
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There's that saying, "I don't know art, but I know what I like." The inverse is kind of true. I know art, but I don't know what I like. You get so immersed in it that nothing appeals to you.
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Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.
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My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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When people told the audience that Sam Kinison was good, he was accepted after that.
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We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.
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If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
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When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
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Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
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I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.
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Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.
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If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.
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Richard Pryor is my favorite stand-up ever.
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I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.
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Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!
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I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.
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A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.