Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
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Louis C.K. is great. But I don't know how many you could do.
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You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.
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RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.
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We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
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When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.
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I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.
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Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!
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I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!
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A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.
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It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.
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I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
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Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.
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I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.
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My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!
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In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.
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Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.