Norm MacDonald Quotes
-
I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.
-
Louis C.K. is great. But I don't know how many you could do.
-
This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.
-
We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.
-
A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
-
Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.
-
You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.
-
Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!
-
It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
-
I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.
-
RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.
-
A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
-
I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!
-
If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
-
It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.
-
When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
-
I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.
-
A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.
-
My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!
-
Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.
-
The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.
-
Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.
-
I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
-
I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.