Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.
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The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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I don't have any ego about it, but I find there's not a great work ethic in show business. A lot of people are in it to make money, and coming from stand-up, you have to work so hard because almost nothing works, and if you lose the audience for three minutes, you're dead.
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Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
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There hasn't been an original voice in stand-up since Sam Kinison.
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Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with your life.
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I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
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I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
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If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.
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They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?
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It's a very odd thing with Hollywood, where you do stand-up, you're good at it, then they go, "How would you like to be a horrible actor?" Then you say, "All right, that sounds good. I'll do that."
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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We advise others better than ourselves.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
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Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.
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Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.
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My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.
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I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.
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A proper disposition of time leaves a man at leisure in the very bustle of affairs; without delaying the attention of his concerns to the last or giving them unnecessary application at first: it affords a season for everything by affording everything its proper season.
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is.
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A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy.
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I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.