Norm MacDonald Quotes
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I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.
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Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.
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In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.
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Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
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Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
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There's no show business in Canada, so everybody just did stand-up and we all thought, "Oh, we'll just keep doing stand-up." And then I'm like, "There's more work in the States."
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I have a little bit of an out-of-body experience where I enjoy the scenario, and I really do like seeing a crowd turn into a mob, and I do nothing to stop it. People can become really dangerous.
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I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.
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I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.
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Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
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In love, we are best pleased when we please others.
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They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence.
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The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.