Norm MacDonald Quotes

Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.

Norm MacDonald

• Jealousy
• Suffers
• Punishes

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Quotes to Explore

• Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Dog
  • Idea
  • Homeless Guy

• You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Learn
  • Hitler
  • I Don't Care

• I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Gay
  • Broadway Musical

• If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Suicide
  • Suspect
  • Bombing

• Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Sex
  • Note
  • Advertise

• I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Problem
  • Lazy
  • Lifestyle

• All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Life
  • Money
  • Cracking

• I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Interest
  • Pictures
  • Sitcoms

• It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Love
  • Hate
  • For Her

• Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Self
  • Note
  • Bad Life

• Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Desire
  • Crime
  • Fault

• The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Wisdom
  • Discretion
  • Erudition

• I've been in theaters. Like Brian Regan, who I love - loved him so much more when he did the Improvs. And then in a big theater - nobody's that good.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Good
  • Theaters
  • Improves

• I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Joke
  • Punch
  • Identical

• Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Sex
  • Ladies
  • Satire

• The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Seek
  • Virtues
  • Imperfections

• I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Difference
  • Hipster
  • Beat Up

• We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Suffer
  • Fears
  • Dangers

• Love is an artful arrangement of artless pretensions, whereby we labor to appear innocent in what we desire to be most cunning.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Desire
  • Love Is
  • Pretensions

• Happiness is less regulated by external circumstances than inward enjoyment. Whoever is happy in the satisfaction of himself feels imperturbable felicity; but he, who trusts entirely to the world for the disposition of his peace, must inevitably participate in many privations and disappointments.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Happiness
  • Circumstances
  • Satisfaction

• I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • I Find
  • Averse
  • Innuendo

• OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?'

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Children
  • Quote
  • Courtroom

• They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Afraid
  • Dogs
  • Homosexuals

• In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.

  

  Norm MacDonald
  • Reason
  • Suffer
  • Escape