Norm MacDonald Quotes
-
Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.
-
Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
-
There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.
-
If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there Hollywood weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.
-
Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
-
Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
-
Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
-
When I started in Canada, I just did stand-up.
-
Few people love with the violence they hate.
-
I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.
-
There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
-
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
-
I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on 'Late Night.' We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn't get a guest - which was often back then since he was just starting out - he would just call me down to be a guest.
-
Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.
-
Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
-
Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.
-
I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke.
-
The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.
-
I completely understand why a businessman would fire me from 'Saturday Night Live'. Because he was seeing Jay Leno kill 10 minutes a night, doing his monologue with wall-to-wall laughs and applause, then I do 10 minutes a week to, sometimes, breathtaking silence. He's just listening for the laughs.
-
Sam Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always bomb.
-
You can't love your team without hating another team.
-
Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!
-
RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.
-
I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.