Norm MacDonald Quotes
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When I started in Canada, I just did stand-up.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there Hollywood weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.
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Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
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Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
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I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on 'Late Night.' We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn't get a guest - which was often back then since he was just starting out - he would just call me down to be a guest.
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Sam Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always bomb.
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I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke.
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You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.
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I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.
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You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
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Few people love with the violence they hate.
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You can't love your team without hating another team.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
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I completely understand why a businessman would fire me from 'Saturday Night Live'. Because he was seeing Jay Leno kill 10 minutes a night, doing his monologue with wall-to-wall laughs and applause, then I do 10 minutes a week to, sometimes, breathtaking silence. He's just listening for the laughs.
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Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.
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I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.
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Televised stand-up never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was shot on film.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.