Norm MacDonald Quotes
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I'm no good at anything but comedy, which I think I'm good at. I'm absolutely no good at networking; I'm terrible at acting; I'm terrible at dealing with executives; I'm terrible at collaborating. And I say whatever I want to say. But I think I'm good enough at comedy that I can survive. And I don't really have an ambition for money.
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I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.
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Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.
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You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.
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A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
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I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.
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Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.
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I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.
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We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.
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It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
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I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.
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Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.
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Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.
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I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.
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Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!
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I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.
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The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.
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Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.
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I guess Richard Pryor was that good. I never saw him in a theater, but I imagine he was that good, because he was such a phenomenal actor.
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On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.
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The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.