Norm MacDonald Quotes
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It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
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I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.
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We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.
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I'm no good at anything but comedy, which I think I'm good at. I'm absolutely no good at networking; I'm terrible at acting; I'm terrible at dealing with executives; I'm terrible at collaborating. And I say whatever I want to say. But I think I'm good enough at comedy that I can survive. And I don't really have an ambition for money.
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Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.
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On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.
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I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it's very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I'm not a great actor, so if the material isn't good, I'm in torment while I do it.
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Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.
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I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway.
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Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.
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There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.
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When I started in Canada, I just did stand-up.
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Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on 'Late Night.' We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn't get a guest - which was often back then since he was just starting out - he would just call me down to be a guest.
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I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.
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You can't love your team without hating another team.
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I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.