Norm MacDonald Quotes
-
I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.
-
They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
-
Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.
-
There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
-
Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
-
A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
-
I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.
-
It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
-
This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.
-
I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.
-
We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.
-
Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.
-
I've been offered political shows before, and I don't know anything about politics and I feel uncomfortable making political opinions - there's consequences to them. I often think I'm wrong, so I really don't like getting in political or religious discussions because of the giant possibility that I might be wrong.
-
On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.
-
I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it's very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I'm not a great actor, so if the material isn't good, I'm in torment while I do it.
-
Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.
-
I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.
-
I guess Richard Pryor was that good. I never saw him in a theater, but I imagine he was that good, because he was such a phenomenal actor.
-
Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.
-
You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.
-
Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.
-
You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway.
-
The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.
-
The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.