Norm MacDonald Quotes
-
With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
-
All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.
-
Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
-
It is better to be idle than employed in ill.
-
I have a little bit of an out-of-body experience where I enjoy the scenario, and I really do like seeing a crowd turn into a mob, and I do nothing to stop it. People can become really dangerous.
-
Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
-
Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
-
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
-
Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!
-
The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
-
The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.
-
Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
-
I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don't like to memorize words.
-
The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
-
Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.
-
Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
-
The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.
-
Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
-
As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
-
I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.
-
He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
-
This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.
-
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
-
The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.