Norm MacDonald Quotes
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
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Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.
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This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.
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We advise others better than ourselves.
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Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with your life.
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They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?
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There hasn't been an original voice in stand-up since Sam Kinison.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
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A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
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If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.
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I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don't like to memorize words.
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A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.
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The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.