Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
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Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!
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It is better to be idle than employed in ill.
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There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.
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Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.
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The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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I don't have any ambition.
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Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.
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I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
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There's no show business in Canada, so everybody just did stand-up and we all thought, "Oh, we'll just keep doing stand-up." And then I'm like, "There's more work in the States."
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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A man's enemies are those he should endeavor first to make his friends.
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The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.