Norm MacDonald Quotes
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.
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All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.
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I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!
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It is better to be idle than employed in ill.
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Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!
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The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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Some men mistake generosity for charity: these flatter themselves that they are giving gratuitously, whilst they are merely rewarding secret services offered their vanity.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.
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This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.
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Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.
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There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.
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I don't have any ambition.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
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I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.