Funny Quotes
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Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
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I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself.
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I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.
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"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called." ... That's what they say - but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!"
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No volleyball play can begin without a serve, and the serve is the only technique that is totally under your control. In other endeavors, you cannot succeed without believing in yourself, and that belief is completely under your control.
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If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?
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I'd basically have trouble with any job that doesn't require me to wear silly clothes and talk in funny voices.
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Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.
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Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.
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The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
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At school I was very shy. I wasn't funny really.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.
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As with anything that involves emotional pain, comedy isn't too far behind. There's that element of no matter how painful something is - as long as it is not you that is going through it - it can be funny.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.
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If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
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Anything happens in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
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I think the second you think that you're funny is when you stop being funny.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.
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As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.
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Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.
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All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air.
