Funny Quotes
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I think sex is overrated. I don't have sex appeal and I know it. As a matter of fact, I think I'm rather funny looking. My teeth are funny, for one thing, and I have none of the attributes usually required for a movie queen, including the shapeliness.
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I was always funny, but I didn't know being funny was a gift.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.
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Next to music beer was best.
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I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.
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I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"
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That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures.
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I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.
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Those numbers with Tony are so often and so interesting.
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Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.
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It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.
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McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back.
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I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider.
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That's the fourth extra base hit for the Padres - two doubles and a triple.
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Since I became more confident, I've thought, 'Right, let me get myself on the market'. So I joined Tinder and Chappie, and it was funny because, at first, the sites thought I was an imposter.
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You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.
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As long as the wrong feels right - it's like I'm in flight.
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I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.
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An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them.
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Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it.
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I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
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It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.
