Funny Quotes
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The embarrassing thing is that my salad dressing is out-grossing my films.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening.
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The way he was playing, he probably could have scored on Jesus.
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The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.
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I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.
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As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.
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I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
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It's pretty funny when we go out to countries where the drinking age is 13 or 14, and we all go to bars and order and drink some stuff. Our parents will go, 'Hey!' And we go, 'We are legal to drink here!'
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My parents always told me to be myself. I was always funny and silly as a kid. And I would always make them laugh. And they always told me to dream big and follow those dreams.
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race.
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The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.
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Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.
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Next to music beer was best.
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The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight!
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I can go right, I can go left, I'm amphibious.
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If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
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"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called." ... That's what they say - but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!"
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Life's pretty funny when you're objectively on the outside looking at it.
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My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
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Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
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I was always funny, but I didn't know being funny was a gift.
