Funny Quotes
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With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
Erma Bombeck -
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Erma Bombeck
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It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.
Erma Bombeck -
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
Erma Bombeck -
First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.
Michael Caine -
Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
Stephen Fry -
You think you're funny? I think I'm adorable.
Eric Kripke -
When you're out of sight for as long as I was, there's a funny feeling of betrayal that comes over people when they see you again.
Esther Williams
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So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
Tommy Cooper -
As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.
Stephen Fry -
I was always funny, but I didn't know being funny was a gift.
Niecy Nash -
People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
Erma Bombeck -
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
Chic Murray -
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
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It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
Steve Martin -
I had examined myself pretty thoroughly and discovered that I was unfit for military service.
Joseph Heller -
I think religion is a funny thing because, when you see somebody who can really break it down, sometimes it feels foolish what you believe.
Kevin Costner -
Next to music beer was best.
Carson McCullers -
When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.
Hugo Black -
It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.
Stephen Fry
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My parents always told me to be myself. I was always funny and silly as a kid. And I would always make them laugh. And they always told me to dream big and follow those dreams.
Richard Simmons -
And the first three cars are all Escorts, which isn't surprising as this is an all Escort race.
Murray Walker -
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
Carrie Snow -
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
Tommy Cooper