Lewis Black Quotes
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When they N'Sync and Aerosmith played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!
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On Yom Kippur The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life... or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, 'Uhhh, what the fuck is that? The book of WHAT?!?' Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My greatest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store.
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Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.
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And then, one by one, they came onto the screen late in the day to pontificate about how we were going into a moral sewer. How this image of a breast at a family halftime show was not only disgusting, it was disturbing, it was shocking, it was indecent. I thought 'Uh, it's just a tit. And none of those adjectives really fucking apply.'
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I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.
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I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went 'Wow, it's not me!'
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I don't know if you realize, but I use the word 'Fuck,' so that I can think of other stuff.
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On Las Vegas audiences Those audiences are wonderful. Talk about the most bitter group of people on the planet Earth! For one brief shining moment, I am Mr. Happy!
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iPod sic now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.
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And even if they hadn't told me, I would have known it was the coldest winter ever. Because I have not had one thought! I have not been able to complete a sentence in my own head! I find myself walking around going 'You know what, I should really... FUCK, IT'S COLD!'
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We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! 'Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!'
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If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween...don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
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In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was TWELVE! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow-together! And I hadn't done drugs.
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Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. 'Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes.' 'Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person.' 'Well, you look like a person.' 'No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!'
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FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass.
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North Korea is the country that the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz came from.
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They were hunting in a place that rich people pay to hunt at, okay? They actually... they drive them to where the animals are! That is not fucking hunting! There's a fence around the place! Son of a bitch! They means they go, when they're tracking the deer, 'Oh, look, we got 'em in the corner!' They turned a petting zoo into Auschwitz!
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I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say 'When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out.' What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over.
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I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.
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Halfway through the winter, I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear. Because bears are more evolved. It gets cold, and what does the bear do? He goes, 'Well, I'm going to bed! This blows!' And then it gets warm and he goes, 'Well, fuck, time to wake up!'
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If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
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on the creation myth This is a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning. I would love to have the faith to believe that it took place in seven days, but... I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any Catholic priest.
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You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
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Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.