Lewis Black Quotes
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Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
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Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.
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And even if they hadn't told me, I would have known it was the coldest winter ever. Because I have not had one thought! I have not been able to complete a sentence in my own head! I find myself walking around going 'You know what, I should really... FUCK, IT'S COLD!'
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Halfway through the winter, I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear. Because bears are more evolved. It gets cold, and what does the bear do? He goes, 'Well, I'm going to bed! This blows!' And then it gets warm and he goes, 'Well, fuck, time to wake up!'
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On Yom Kippur The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life... or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, 'Uhhh, what the fuck is that? The book of WHAT?!?' Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My greatest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store.
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The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.
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I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.
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Christians... get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop, does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!
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If anyone is as angry as I am, it's the good people of Detroit.
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They were hunting in a place that rich people pay to hunt at, okay? They actually... they drive them to where the animals are! That is not fucking hunting! There's a fence around the place! Son of a bitch! They means they go, when they're tracking the deer, 'Oh, look, we got 'em in the corner!' They turned a petting zoo into Auschwitz!
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Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. 'Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes.' 'Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person.' 'Well, you look like a person.' 'No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!'
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I don't know if you realize, but I use the word 'Fuck,' so that I can think of other stuff.
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iPod sic now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.
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And then, one by one, they came onto the screen late in the day to pontificate about how we were going into a moral sewer. How this image of a breast at a family halftime show was not only disgusting, it was disturbing, it was shocking, it was indecent. I thought 'Uh, it's just a tit. And none of those adjectives really fucking apply.'
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I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.
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I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went 'Wow, it's not me!'
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Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
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FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass.
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Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.
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When they N'Sync and Aerosmith played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!
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I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.
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About the 'movers and the shakers' of the government These people are the first line of defense when it comes to the terrorist threat, but the word 'shit' makes them cry. 'Why didn't he say poopie?! Why didn't he say poopie?!'
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You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go 'who are you,' and you can say...'I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?'
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If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.