Lewis Black Quotes
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I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.
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There are no fights in Ireland, people just get so drunk they go, 'GODDAMN, YA SONOFABITCH!' and pass out. And there's no Alcoholics Anonymous there, because if there's a meeting, it's always at the bar,
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If anyone is as angry as I am, it's the good people of Detroit.
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Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.
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And then, one by one, they came onto the screen late in the day to pontificate about how we were going into a moral sewer. How this image of a breast at a family halftime show was not only disgusting, it was disturbing, it was shocking, it was indecent. I thought 'Uh, it's just a tit. And none of those adjectives really fucking apply.'
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And even if they hadn't told me, I would have known it was the coldest winter ever. Because I have not had one thought! I have not been able to complete a sentence in my own head! I find myself walking around going 'You know what, I should really... FUCK, IT'S COLD!'
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iPod sic now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.
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I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went 'Wow, it's not me!'
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We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! 'Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!'
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On Las Vegas audiences Those audiences are wonderful. Talk about the most bitter group of people on the planet Earth! For one brief shining moment, I am Mr. Happy!
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If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween...don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
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In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was TWELVE! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow-together! And I hadn't done drugs.
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I don't know if you realize, but I use the word 'Fuck,' so that I can think of other stuff.
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Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. 'Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes.' 'Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person.' 'Well, you look like a person.' 'No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!'
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They were hunting in a place that rich people pay to hunt at, okay? They actually... they drive them to where the animals are! That is not fucking hunting! There's a fence around the place! Son of a bitch! They means they go, when they're tracking the deer, 'Oh, look, we got 'em in the corner!' They turned a petting zoo into Auschwitz!
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You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
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FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass.
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Halfway through the winter, I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear. Because bears are more evolved. It gets cold, and what does the bear do? He goes, 'Well, I'm going to bed! This blows!' And then it gets warm and he goes, 'Well, fuck, time to wake up!'
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I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say 'When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out.' What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over.
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I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.
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I'm only allowed to say 'fuck' twelve times.
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About the 'movers and the shakers' of the government These people are the first line of defense when it comes to the terrorist threat, but the word 'shit' makes them cry. 'Why didn't he say poopie?! Why didn't he say poopie?!'
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How our government works... it doesn't.
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North Korea is the country that the monkeys in The Wizard of Oz came from.