Lewis Black Quotes
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How our government works... it doesn't.
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Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.
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I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say 'When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out.' What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over.
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You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
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About the 'movers and the shakers' of the government These people are the first line of defense when it comes to the terrorist threat, but the word 'shit' makes them cry. 'Why didn't he say poopie?! Why didn't he say poopie?!'
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You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go 'who are you,' and you can say...'I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?'
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If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?
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We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think 'Aw, it's gonna be shitty.' NO! You say 'This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!' And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking 'You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!'
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You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!
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I lost my virginity to a record skip. 'Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay'. We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.