Lewis Black Quotes
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If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
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You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go 'who are you,' and you can say...'I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?'
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If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
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How our government works... it doesn't.
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I'm only allowed to say 'fuck' twelve times.
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In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was TWELVE! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow-together! And I hadn't done drugs.
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We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! 'Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!'
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We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think 'Aw, it's gonna be shitty.' NO! You say 'This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!' And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking 'You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!'
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I lost my virginity to a record skip. 'Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay'. We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?
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You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!