Lewis Black Quotes

United States, Stand-Up Comedian
August 30, 1948

Lewis Niles Black (born August 30, 1948) is an American stand-up comedian, author, playwright, social critic and actor. His comedy routines often escalate into angry rants about history, politics, religion, or any other cultural trends. He hosted the Comedy Central series Lewis Black's Root of All Evil and makes regular appearances on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah delivering his "Back in Black" commentary segment, which he has been doing since The Daily Show was hosted by Craig Kilborn.

Also known as Author, Playwright, Critic, Actor

About the 'movers and the shakers' of the government These people are the first line of defense when it comes to the terrorist threat, but the word 'shit' makes them cry. 'Why didn't he say poopie?! Why didn't he say poopie?!'

Lewis Black
- People
- Why
I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope - a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say 'When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out.' What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over.

Lewis Black

I'm only allowed to say 'fuck' twelve times.

Lewis Black
We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! 'Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!'

Lewis Black
- Earth
- Health
- Worry
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

Lewis Black
- Help
- Nice
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Lewis Black
- Up
- Water
- Garden
In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was TWELVE! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow-together! And I hadn't done drugs.

Lewis Black
- Done
- Together
- Snow
I lost my virginity to a record skip. 'Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay'. We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.

Lewis Black
- Lost

We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think 'Aw, it's gonna be shitty.' NO! You say 'This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!' And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking 'You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!'

Lewis Black
- Up
- Thinking
- Weekend
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?

Lewis Black
- Reality
You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!

Lewis Black
- Law