Lewis Black Quotes

United States, Stand-Up Comedian
August 30, 1948

Lewis Niles Black (born August 30, 1948) is an American stand-up comedian, author, playwright, social critic and actor. His comedy routines often escalate into angry rants about history, politics, religion, or any other cultural trends. He hosted the Comedy Central series Lewis Black's Root of All Evil and makes regular appearances on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah delivering his "Back in Black" commentary segment, which he has been doing since The Daily Show was hosted by Craig Kilborn.

Also known as Author, Playwright, Critic, Actor

on the creation myth This is a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning. I would love to have the faith to believe that it took place in seven days, but... I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any Catholic priest.

Lewis Black
- People
- Up
- Believe
About the 'movers and the shakers' of the government These people are the first line of defense when it comes to the terrorist threat, but the word 'shit' makes them cry. 'Why didn't he say poopie?! Why didn't he say poopie?!'

Lewis Black
- People
- Why

How our government works... it doesn't.

Lewis Black
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Lewis Black
- Up
- Water
- Garden
Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

Lewis Black
- Time
- Men
- Wise
We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think 'Aw, it's gonna be shitty.' NO! You say 'This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!' And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking 'You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!'

Lewis Black
- Up
- Thinking
- Weekend
You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go 'who are you,' and you can say...'I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?'

Lewis Black
- Up
- Work
- Boss
The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

Lewis Black

You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!

Lewis Black
- Law
I lost my virginity to a record skip. 'Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay'. We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.

Lewis Black
- Lost
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?

Lewis Black
- Reality