Lewis Black Quotes
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If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
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Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.
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Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.
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If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
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You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go 'who are you,' and you can say...'I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?'
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We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think 'Aw, it's gonna be shitty.' NO! You say 'This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!' And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking 'You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!'
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on the creation myth This is a wonderful story that was told to the people in the desert, in order to distract them from the fact that they did not have air conditioning. I would love to have the faith to believe that it took place in seven days, but... I have thoughts. And that can really fuck up the faith thing. Just ask any Catholic priest.
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The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.
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You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?
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I lost my virginity to a record skip. 'Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay-Lay Lady Lay'. We didn't even get to the big brass bed part.