Lewis Grizzard Quotes
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I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
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My ex-wives had one thing in common. When they left, they all backed up a truck.
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The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
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I have three ex-wives. I can't remember any of their names, so I just call 'em Plaintiff.
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I went last week to get hypnotized. To quit smoking. And the hypnotist said, 'The reason you smoke is you're bitter and depressed.' No, the reason I smoke is the little sucker tastes so good.
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I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?'
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There's no such thing as being too Southern.
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I have it on good authority that Yankee men are so lazy they marry pregnant women.
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The world around me is a tuxedo, and I'm a pair of brown shoes.
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I'm a staunch believer in enterprise, and I'm glad I live in a country where - I don't think some people understand this, but if I work hard, I get rewarded for it.
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
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Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.
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'Redneck' has been terribly abused as a term. Where I come from, a redneck was a farmer who worked the fields all day and got his neck sunburned. People made fun of them.
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You can write the best column in the world on Monday, and it does you absolutely no good on Tuesday. There is no way to win. You just write until you are tired, they fire you, or you die.
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Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.
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If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes.
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I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
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The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.
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I don't think I'm a bigot or a racist. But I have a truck, a Blazer. I drink beer. There are some women I do hate.
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I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
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Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
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If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today.