Lewis Grizzard Quotes
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Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today.
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I wish one time in my life I could do what other writers do... get me a villa in Spain and go there to write a book.
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I'd like to know what I could do if I really had the time to spend on writing a book, with no columns or shows to do at the same time.
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How can I trust a bank to keep my money safe when it has dozens of pens stolen every day?
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You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
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I write 200 columns a year, you know. That means I have to have 200 opinions a year. Sometimes, I don't give a damn one way or the other, but that's my job, so I got to take a side.
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The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wriggle and weasel out of one.
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First, we really don’t care how you did it in Chicago. Second, if you miss it so much, Delta is ready when you are.
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Show business is my life.
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I don't know how I do it, but I've written about everything. I've written about my shoes.
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Bad luck is meeting your date's father and realizing he's the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon.
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I was raised to think women had babies, stayed at home, and men worked. By the time I got ready to do it, I thought I had all the answers. Only somebody had changed the questions.
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There's a big difference between the words, ‘naked’ and ‘nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don't have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don't have any clothes on - and you're up to something.
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A little irreverence is always important to being a columnist. I try to do that.