Joan Rivers Quotes
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You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes—and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me 'sir.'
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Two is company; three is fifty bucks.
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It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.
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I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
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Catchphrase: Oh, grow up!
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Why do wives have to spend so much time dusting, vacuuming, mopping, making beds, washing dishes, when you just have to do it all again six months later?
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly-hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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Never floss with a stranger.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.