Dave Barry Quotes
-
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
-
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
-
We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.
-
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
-
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
-
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
-
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
-
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
-
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
-
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
-
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
-
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
-
The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:
-
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
-
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
-
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
-
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
-
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
-
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
-
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
-
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
-
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
-
The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.