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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barry -
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Dave Barry
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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry -
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
Dave Barry -
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Dave Barry -
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
Dave Barry -
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
Dave Barry -
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Dave Barry
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What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Dave Barry -
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Dave Barry -
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
Dave Barry -
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
Dave Barry -
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
Dave Barry -
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Dave Barry -
What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem' can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.
Dave Barry -
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
Dave Barry -
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
Dave Barry -
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Dave Barry -
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
Dave Barry
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We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
Dave Barry -
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Dave Barry -
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
Dave Barry -
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry