Dave Barry Quotes
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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
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Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
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I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
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The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
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What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
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The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
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The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
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It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy - an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.
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The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
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It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
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Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!