Dave Barry Quotes
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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
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Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
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I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
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Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
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To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
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Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
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It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
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We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy - an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.
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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
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It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.