Dave Barry Quotes
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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
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Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
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It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
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I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
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The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
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For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
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Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
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It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
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What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
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What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem' can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'