Dave Barry Quotes
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I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
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Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
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Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
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The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
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Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
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What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem' can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.
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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
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The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
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Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
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Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
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Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
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To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
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The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
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The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
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Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.