Dave Barry Quotes
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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
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Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
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We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy - an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
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The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem' can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.
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We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
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I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
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The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
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Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
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Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
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Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
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To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'