Dave Barry Quotes
-
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
-
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
-
We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy - an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.
-
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
-
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
-
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
-
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
-
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
-
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
-
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
-
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
-
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
-
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
-
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
-
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
-
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
-
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
-
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
-
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
-
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
-
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
-
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
-
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.