Dave Barry Quotes
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem' can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.
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It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
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I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
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Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
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We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
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The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
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Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
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Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
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Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
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Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
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To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.