Kurt Vonnegut Quotes
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She was an alcoholic. I didn't blame myself for that. The worst problem in the life of any alcoholic is alcohol.
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I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.
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A chaplain's assistant is customarily a figure of fun in the American Army.
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I think William Shakespeare was the wisest human being I ever heard of. To be perfectly frank, though, that's not saying much. We are impossibly conceited animals, and actually dumb as heck. Ask any teacher. You don't even have to ask a teacher. Ask anybody. Dogs and cats are smarter than we are.
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During my most recently controlled near-death experience, I got to interview William Shakespeare. We did not hit it off. He said the dialect I spoke was the ugliest English he had ever heard, 'fit to split the ears of groundlings.' He asked if it had a name, and I said 'Indianapolis.'
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Time is liquid. One moment is no more important than any other and all moments quickly run away.
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People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.
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We don't piss in your ashtrays,So please don't throw cigarettes in our urinals.
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Literature is idiosyncratic arrangements in horizontal lines in only twenty-six symbols, ten arabic numbers, and about eight punctuation marks.
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If I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, 'Kurt is up in heaven now.' That's my favorite joke.
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Listen:The waitress brought me another drink. She wanted to light my hurricane lamp again. I wouldn't let her. 'Can you see anything in the dark, with your sunglasses on?' she asked me.'The big show is inside my head,' I said
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I was a chemistry major, but I'm always winding up as a teacher in English departments, so I've brought scientific thinking to literature. There's been very little gratitude for this.
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As in my other works of fiction: All persons living and dead are purely coincidental, and should not be construed. No names have been changed in order to protect the innocent. Angels protect the innocent as a matter of Heavenly routine.
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Any man can call time out, but no man can say how long the time out will be.
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I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War.
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Human beings are chimpanzees who get crazy drunk on power. By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the Middle East? Their morale, like so many bodies, is already shot to pieces. They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for Christmas.
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Ideas or the lack of them can cause disease.
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Doesn't anything socialistic make you want to throw up? Like great public schools, or health insurance for all?
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Belief is nearly the whole of the Universe, whether based on truth or not.
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To whom it may concern: It is springtime. It is late afternoon.
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True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
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This is Sunday, and the question arises, what'll I start tomorrow?
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I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.
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Sally In The Garden:Sally in the garden,Siftin' cinders,Lifted up her leg,And farted like a man,The bursting of her bloomers broke sixteen winders,The cheeks of her ass went (blam, blam, blam)