David Letterman Quotes
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We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
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It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
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We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
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People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
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I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
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The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
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It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
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A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
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I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
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USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
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Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
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w:Mia Hamm: So we walk in to the sorority house and they're (their families and friends) just ripped. I mean they're going nuts.
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New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
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Now all of us can talk to the NSA-just by dialing any number.
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For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
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There is no off position on the genius switch.
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The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
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How long have you been a black man?
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I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.
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There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.
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I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
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I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
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Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.