Emo Philips Quotes
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, 'I'd like a card.' He says, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him.
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People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
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Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball.
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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, 'Emo, don't go near the cellar door!' One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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Voted 44th funniest joke of all time in 'The 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time' in GQ magazine (June 1999)
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My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
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I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
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I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
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People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.