Fred Allen Quotes
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I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
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California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
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The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
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It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
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An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
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I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
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A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.