Fred Allen Quotes
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California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
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Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
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All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
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A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
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If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
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I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
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California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
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An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
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Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
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The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
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A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
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My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
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An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
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I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
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A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
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A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 pm to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.
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It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.