John Oliver Quotes
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I've made so many people angry that they kind of blur into one unpleasant memory of people staring at you with somewhere between passive aggression and active aggression.
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I do one accent - my own. I can make it louder or quieter. That is the sum total of my vocal range. I thought I could do an American accent until I tried it in front of an American - the expression of horror is still burnt onto my retinas.
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I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is.
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Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.
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In science, you don't just get to cherry-pick the parts that justify what you were going to do anyway! That's religion! You're thinking of religion.
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It's like catching an ice cream cone out of the air because a child was hit by a car.
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I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.
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I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.
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My family is from Liverpool, so I have some of those vowel sounds, I've got the slack tone of someone from Birmingham, and then I was raised in Bedford, which is just north of London. So my accent, if it's possible, makes even less sense to a Brit than to an American.
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I've always been interested in socially political, or overtly political, comedy.
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Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.
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I watch one news channel until my soul can't take it anymore. It's the background of my life.
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There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can't hurt you anymore when you've been completely dismantled.
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Most stand-ups, once they have done it, think of it as their default job. I'm pretty sure Jon Stewart still feels that way now. You are a stand-up first; other things come and go.
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When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.
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It's pretty physically unsettling, living life on a visa.
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There is no greater anesthetic than sport.
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The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.
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Many people would argue that the most dangerous inhabitant of the earth is currently the self styled 43rd president of the United States. Not so much in deed anymore as in word. Because to hear that man speak is to wish upon yourself physical harm.
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The British media is sinking down, as the American news media has lowered the bar for all of humanity. British news media is definitely trying to stoop down to that level. Everyone is stooping to the lowest common denominator.
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I would never heckle someone. That's why I think I'm so interested in someone that would.
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You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.
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Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.
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Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life.