George Carlin Quotes
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
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The status quo sucks.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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And, of course, the funniest food: 'kumquats'. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, 'I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother.' Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
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Religion is just mind control.
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Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. 'I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?' Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.