George Carlin Quotes
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
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You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.
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Religion is just mind control.
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, 'I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother.' Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
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The status quo sucks.
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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And, of course, the funniest food: 'kumquats'. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.