George Carlin Quotes
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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, 'I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother.' Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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The status quo sucks.
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Religion is just mind control.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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And, of course, the funniest food: 'kumquats'. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
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Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. 'I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?' Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.
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Think off-center.