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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin -
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin -
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin -
The status quo sucks.
George Carlin -
And, of course, the funniest food: 'kumquats'. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
George Carlin -
I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.
George Carlin -
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.
George Carlin
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin -
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin -
Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.
George Carlin -
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin -
It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
George Carlin -
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin -
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin -
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin -
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin -
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin -
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
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Think off-center.
George Carlin -
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin -
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin -
Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. 'I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?' Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.
George Carlin