George Carlin Quotes
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, 'I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother.' Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Religion is just mind control.
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.
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The status quo sucks.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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And, of course, the funniest food: 'kumquats'. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
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I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
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There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say 'you assholes are goin' for a ride!'