George Carlin Quotes
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Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. 'I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?' Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
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Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say 'you assholes are goin' for a ride!'
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be 'Governor Bush.' I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
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I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.
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Think off-center.
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
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'Fussy eater' is a euphemism for 'big pain in the ass'.
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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
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Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
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You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. This is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case! Your birth certificate is proof of guilt!
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.