George Carlin Quotes
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Think off-center.
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Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say 'you assholes are goin' for a ride!'
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be 'Governor Bush.' I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
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I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.
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You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. This is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case! Your birth certificate is proof of guilt!
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
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Always do whatever's next.
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.