George Carlin Quotes
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
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Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. 'I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?' Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.
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Think off-center.
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
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I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be 'Governor Bush.' I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
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You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
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I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. This is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case! Your birth certificate is proof of guilt!
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
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'Fussy eater' is a euphemism for 'big pain in the ass'.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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Always do whatever's next.
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
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So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.