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I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. This is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case! Your birth certificate is proof of guilt!
George Carlin -
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
George Carlin
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin -
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin -
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin -
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin -
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin -
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
George Carlin -
Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin -
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin -
You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!
George Carlin -
I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.
George Carlin -
Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say 'you assholes are goin' for a ride!'
George Carlin
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin -
I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be 'Governor Bush.' I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
George Carlin -
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin -
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin -
Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.
George Carlin -
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
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So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
George Carlin -
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, 'I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother.' Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old.
George Carlin -
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin -
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin