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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
Tommy Cooper -
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
Tommy Cooper
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A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper -
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Tommy Cooper -
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then
Tommy Cooper -
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Tommy Cooper -
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"
Tommy Cooper -
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
Tommy Cooper