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Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Tommy Cooper -
So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.
Tommy Cooper
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So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."
Tommy Cooper -
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
Tommy Cooper -
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
Tommy Cooper -
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"
Tommy Cooper -
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
Tommy Cooper -
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
Tommy Cooper