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I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
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Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
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I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
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A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
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Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
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I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."