Larry the Cable Guy Quotes
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Even before I did stand-up, I've always been the kind of guy - and I talk about it on stage - who says I like people and I always look for the good in people. I say, 'Every person has something good about them, if you can just find it.'
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I got so pissed I took a little poll to see if anyone was sick of gettin' taxed as much as I am. I called 100 people one night and here's the results: everyone I polled said, 'You dumb ass, it's three o'clock in the morning!' (p. 131).
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I'm so sick of gay this, gay that. I could care less. It ain't affecting my life at all.
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I've never judged anybody by how they look or how they dress. I basically judge them on their character. And that's how I lead my own life.
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I just developed my act way back in the late '80s. I went to college in Georgia, so I picked up the Southern accent. I talked like that with my friends all the time, because it was fun. It was funny... All my friends were real Southern. We're buddies, so I'd say stuff to make them laugh. So that was pretty much it.
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I was madder than a Keebler elf getting demoted to fudge-packer.
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I used to be a bitch. I met her at Hooters. She didn't have big boobs, but she could turn her head in a circle just like an owl. (p. 2).
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I was madder than a pervert with palsy trying to open up a condom wrapper, I'll tell you what.
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I'm saying, Come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then?
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(intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'. (p. 1).
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Our whole wedding cost 180 bucks. Afterward, we re-heated lasagna for everyone and set off fireworks.
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I was always a fan of the old-style comics. I loved vaudeville. I loved Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Charlie Callas, all those guys. Hilarious. I love the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope movies, and Abbott & Costello. My television influences were 'Monty Python's Flying Circus,' 'Benny Hill,' and 'Hee Haw.'
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It's nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes.
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Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games! (p. 197).
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One of my little girls is named Reagan. Her first words were, 'Mr. Larry, tear down this crib.' That was her first words, it was very sweet. My first words were, 'Are you going to finish that sandwich?'
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I don't judge people by their accent, or how they word things, or how grammatically correct their speech is. Some of the smartest men in the world couldn't spell. I judge a person by their character.
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What a piece of garbage this smart car is. There's a commercial - the smart car has zero percent interest for six years. Well, good, I got zero percent in six years in buying this smart car. I'll tell you that much. I mean, it's ridiculous. My buddy has a smart car, totaled it. He hit a deer tick.
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You know, you can tell the difference between a terrorist and a toddler. On a terrorist, the diaper is gonna be on the head, all right? That's how you can tell the difference. very loud applause It's upsetting. Unbelievable. They got absolutely nothing in common except both diapers are full of crap.
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The only reason I'm ever in character as 'Larry The Cable Guy' is because that's what I'm hired to do. In my movies, obviously they hired 'Larry The Cable Guy' to be 'Larry The Cable Guy.' When I do my shows, I'm 'Larry The Cable Guy.' When I do Jay Leno, it's: 'Please welcome 'Larry The Cable Guy.'
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You ever go eat breakfast at Denny's, and then go to the toilet and sit in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool? You ever do that? Now I know why they call it the Grand Slam?
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If you're in a Gay Mafia and you get whacked, is that good or bad? gay voice Say hello to my little friend.
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I've only been to these foreign countries: Canada, L.A. and Miami.
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I was madder than a quadriplegic with a stag full of scratch off tickets, I'll tell you what.
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about Fruit of the Loom What does fruit got to do with underbritches? I guess it's to remind us when we take them down we go, 'Oh, I should've eaten more fruit today. I guess.'